A Simpler And More Ordered Place by Jim Williams

We have two weeks to cover so sit back, relax, and don't make me pull this car over:

Marlin's ace Dontrelle Willis became a first-time father after his wife, Natalee, gave birth to a 6 pound, 6 ounce, baby girl. The child was named Adrianna Rose after it was discovered that Natalee's cousin had stolen their original name, Seven.

Brewer's manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone after a fall while jogging near Wrigley Field. "I've never hit that hard before in my life," he said. "It's not a big deal. It's just whatever pain you can take. You put it out of your head and go." Yost later confirmed that his comments were referring to the Brewers' inevitable crash-and-burn and not to his accidental fall.

I'm not sure how this little bit of news slipped under the radar, but apparently Roger Clemens has signed with the Yankees. I'll give more updates on this story once the mainstream news media starts reporting on it.

Did you know that if you play a recording of Braves rookie Jarrod Saltalamacchia's name backwards, you will hear the words:
"Oh here's to my sweet Satan."
"The one whose little path would make me sad, whose power is Satan."
"He will give those with him 666."
"There was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad Satan."

A 20 year old Cardinals fan decided to commemorate his team's World Series victory last year by getting his first tattoo. He proudly showed his mother the following day only to be asked what "Worlb" meant. The tattoo artist had inked "St. Louis Cardinals, Worlb Series Champs, 2000" on his back. He is suing the tattoo parlor for $25,000 in damages. Meanwhile, Curt Schilling has offered $1 million dollars to anyone who can prove that the Cardinals were not in fact Worlb Series Champions in 2000.

Mother's Day is Sunday, May 13th. If your mom happens to be a Cardinal's fan, you can't go wrong with buying her the bases used in the last game at Busch Stadium. If she's not a Card's fan, or if the mere mention of third base will only serve to remind her of that time when she caught you and Sally French making out in the basement, perhaps something from Waterford Crystal would be a better choice.

Jim's link of the week: Celebrate 10,000
How will you be celebrating the 10,000th loss in Phillies' history? I'll be observing it in much the same way as Charlie Manuel will, by watching it on TV, drinking cheap beer, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do tomorrow.

Modi’in Miracle of the Israel Baseball League picked Sandy Koufax with the final pick of the league's inaugural draft. After failing to be drafted early, Shawn Green's agent moved his client to a private room in a nearby hotel in hopes of shielding him from further public embarrassment.

Jim's Barry Bonds watch: The home run count now stands at 744. Only 25 more to break the record held by the Bros. Aaron.

Twins centerfielder Torii Hunter was so grateful of the Royals' season-ending sweep of the Tigers that he decided to send them a gift. The penalty for such a gift, as laid out in Rule 21-b, is a suspension of no less than three years. After a call from the Twins, the Royals returned the four bottles of Dom Perignon but Hunter's other gift, an authentic Cigar Store Indian, has yet to be accounted for.

It has been a sad time for baseball fans as we have recently seen the passing of writer David Halberstam, pitcher Josh Hancock, and famed mascot, The Capital City Goofball. Shine on you crazy diamonds.

"It is the sport that a foreigner is least likely to take to. You have to grow up playing it, you have to accept the lore of the bubble gum card, and believe that if the answer to the Mays-Mantle-Snider question is found, then the universe will be a simpler and more ordered place."

--David Halberstam


upthesecularhumanists : May 7, 2007 06:39 PM

Are you sure about the Clemens signing? I've yet to hear about it from anywhere else. Nice scoop.


save me from the clowns : May 8, 2007 10:45 AM

Help me decide who makes a cuter couple:

Roger & Andy
Derek & Alex?


tomhamilton : May 8, 2007 03:43 PM

My favorite Seeing Eye Single so far. I loved the Brady Quinn joke.


# of edits: 2
Last edited: May 15, 2007 07:33 AM

save me from the clowns : May 8, 2007 04:05 PM

I like how the order of the stories brilliantly reflects the cycle of life. The first one is about birth, the last one is about death, and in between most people deal with parents (Mother's Day), flirt with danger (tattoos), and adhere to a religion (Satanism... oops, I mean Judaism).


Swampudlian : May 14, 2007 09:22 AM

I actually attended Sunday's game, where I watched loss #9,976... The highlight of the game for me was watching Alan Trammell throw BP to the Cubs.

On the other hand, at the rate they're going, the only remaining question is will #10,000 come before or after the All-Star Game?

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